


How Come You Don't Want Me Now

by UselessLesbianLaughter



Category: Ghostbusters (2016)
Genre: Closeted!Erin, F/F, Internalized Homophobia, Slice of Life
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-09
Updated: 2017-07-09
Packaged: 2018-11-29 15:56:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,273
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11444184
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/UselessLesbianLaughter/pseuds/UselessLesbianLaughter
Summary: Erin Gilbert is clearly in love with Jillian Holtzmann, or at least when they’re by themselves. Whenever other people stumble into their presence Erin uses friend instead of girlfriend, uses buddy instead of honey and pal instead of babe. She lets go of Holtz’s hand and inches away from, slowly but surely. She introduces Holtz as a good friend and makes sure that everyone believes her. And Holtzmann is getting tired of being someone’s dirty little secret.





	How Come You Don't Want Me Now

**Author's Note:**

> Just a little one-shot for shits and giggles. Wrote this instead of sleeping. I am... immensely sleep-deprived as always.   
> Hope you enjoy my sleepy mumblings haha

 Jillian Holtzmann had been an out and proud lesbian for as long as she could remember. As with anything even slightly controversial in society it came with its struggles and Holtzmann had definitely not been left untouched but for the past few years things had been heading uphill for her. She’d never really struggled with finding a girlfriend, keeping a stable relationship had been a tougher milestone but most every girl she’d actually gotten past the first date with had been out of the closet at least to majority of people.

 Until now.   
  
 When Erin Gilbert had walked into the lab all those months ago it’d certainly been _something_ at first sight. That sort of infatuation wasn’t a first time thing for Holtz but what was different this time was that it didn’t seem to go away, even when she tried to force it. Of course, by most every gayday Erin must’ve been straight.

 That was precisely why Holtz was so surprised when it’d been Erin who made the first move. Since then the snowball had been pushed off the mountain and it’d been rolling for a while. They’d never had a very official conversation about it but it was very clear they were a couple. That was, when they were in private.

 Public settings were a vastly different story. Erin was in the closet and Holtzmann was right back in there with her, at least relationship-wise.

 When it was just the two of them they’d hold hands, share smiley kisses and cuddle, not to mention what, or rather who, went down in the bedroom. But whenever Holtz asked Erin if she’d like to go on a date that wasn’t staying inside and watching a movie the physicist would get hesitant to say the least. She’d never directly say no, she had an excuse at her sleeve every time. One day she was feeling under the weather and the other she just had to finish the calculations Holtz had seen her finish earlier.

 When they were out in public together, not during work hours, Erin would keep a safe distance between herself and Holtz. When the engineer even brushed her hand against Erin’s she’d immediately inch away. Don’t you dare even mention kissing.

 When people asked Erin would say Holtz was a good friend, sometimes coworker. Never girlfriend, never partner. Just friends, gal pals. And all Holtzmann would hear was “You’re not good enough to be shown in public.” In all honesty, she was getting kind of sick of being Erin’s dirty little secret.

 So today, when they were walking around in the mall, mainly window shopping, and happened to run into one of Erin’s old coworkers Holtzmann introduced herself as ‘Erin’s girlfriend’. And as soon as she’d said the words she could immediately sense she’d done something horribly wrong. Panic rushed to Erin’s eyes and the physicist was quick to add “Yeah, girlfriends, gal pals, Holtz is like, you know how the kids say, my bestie.” She laughed nervously. “We’re good friends. And coworkers!”

 “Still at it with the ghosts?” The man asked, a superiority complex rather apparent in his voice.

 “Yup, still at it with the ghosts.” Holtz confirmed before Erin could say anything. “It was… truly lovely to meet you but could Erin and I maybe have a little private chat?” She turned to Erin with a crooked smile.

 Erin, avoiding Holtz’s eyes, shook hands goodbye with her ex-coworker and gave the engineer a small nod. The blonde had already turned around and was heading for the bathroom, the physicist followed reluctantly.

 The place was empty, surprisingly. Holtz pulled the door shut behind Erin.

 “What am I to you?” She asked, crossing her arms.

 “What do you mean, Holtz?” Erin sounded genuinely confused.  
 “I mean, what am I? Am I just a fuck-buddy to you or something? You know, you call me babe when we’re alone and pal whenever anyone’s around. And I’m getting kind of confused here. Are you embarrassed of me? Am I not good enough for you?” Holtz demanded answers.

 

 Erin sighed, following up with the familiar breathing exercises, _four, seven, eight, four, seven, eight, in, hold, out._

 

 “Of course you’re good enough I mean… you’re better than good enough and…” Erin spoke, out of breath, heating up and feeling the walls closing in on her. She walked over the sink and splashed her face with some cold water to eradicate the feverish sensation.

 

_In. Out. Breathe._

She leaned on the sink, calming down a bit. Still avoiding Holtz’s eyes by staring at the floor she spoke up.

 

 “You’re more than enough. If anything then I’m not good enough for you, I mean, I’m probably not. You’re all vibrant and stuff and I’m just… just me.” She managed a sad smile, looking up. She walked over to Holtzmann, going in for a kiss but as her eyes closed she could feel herself being pushed away.

 

 “No. You don’t get to just make some pity rant, make out with me in a public bathroom and just expect everything to fall into place. You hide me, like I’m a secret. I mean… Even Abby, you tell her we’re just friends. Is that what we are? Make up your mind. Look… I… fuck, I love you. Fuck. Yeah. So that’s out there now. I really like you but I can’t play this game of hide and seek anymore. So tell me. What am I to you? A friend, a girlfriend or just a sex toy?” Holtz asked.

  
 Erin ran her hand through her hair, searching the ceiling for answers.

 

 “I… I don’t know. We’re more than friends, I’m pretty sure. I like you… quite a lot. A lot more than I originally intended. At first I just thought I wanted to befriend you but then I realized I wanted us to be… more.” The physicist tried to explain.

 

 “Is it because I’m a woman?” Holtzmann asked, her voice calmer than before.

 

 “Yeah.” Erin nodded. “I’ve never been with a woman before. If you were a man, I’d be sure of what we were. Except that you’ve treated me a lot better than anyone I’ve been with before. But this is new and it’s scary. I’m afraid of what people would think. It’s so much easier when it’s just the two of us. We’re just like a normal couple.”  
  
 “Erin. We are a normal couple.” She chuckled a bit. “There’s nothing wrong with liking women, you know that, right?” Holtz asked gently. Erin nodded, tears gathering at the corners of her eyes.

 “You’re the first person to tell me it’s okay. And… I know you’re right but I’ve always been taught…” She bit her lip as a tear rolled down her cheek, past her lips, leaving a salty taste in her mouth.

 “Come here. You’re normal. There’s nothing wrong with you.” Holtz folded her arms around the sobbing Erin.

  “How do you do this so smoothly? Like you’re just so authentically yourself and you don’t care what people think and… You’re okay with people knowing. Would people hate me if they found out?” Erin asked in Holtz’s arms. The engineer stroked her hair.

 “Those who matter won’t mind. And those who mind don’t matter.” Holtz said and Erin smiled through tears.

 

 They’d gotten so lost in the moment they’d practically forgotten where they were. That’s when the door opened and a woman in her twenties walked in.

 

 “Hi.” Erin said. “You don’t know me but this is my girlfriend and her name is Holtz and she’s my girlfriend.” She stammered.

 

 “Well, good for you. Congrats but I’m here to pee so…”

**Author's Note:**

> Comments, kudos, feedback, reviews, whichever way you want to phrase it I thrive on it. My writerly self-esteem is the lowest piece of shit so if you like this tiny piece please do leave a comment, The Feedback Vampire thanks you in advance


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